Turn about

As you know Tina will not save me from an attacking frog.  Well she learned something very important about me the other day.

I was sitting in the living room a couple of evenings ago playing Words With Friends on my iPhone.  This is one of my favorite aps and games and it keeps me occupied in a positive manner.

While sitting there minding my own business trying to think of a four letter word that ends in either C or J Tina screams from our master bathroom.  It's a blood curdling scream that conveys pure terror.  So naturally I think it is either a zombie, Jason Vorhees, or a frog.  I pause the baseball game that is supplying background noise for my scrabble like game and then charge to the bathroom at a light jog.  Tina and Amanda are on on side of the bathroom which measures twenty feet across and are pointing towards the other side.  I don't see the walking dead or a hockey masked murderer so I look down and see...

Yes, that blur is the worlds smallest lizard.   I had my iPhone with me so I was able to capture the creature with my camera.

I then put it in some tissue and took it outside and released it to the wild.  Tina and Amanda were safe and I was able to return to my games.

Now, I'm not saying I'm better than my wife, because I'm not.  I'm just saying that when it comes to small little creatures you're better off with me than with her.

Keeping it fresh

What I think is so great about being in a life long committed relationship, aka marriage, is that you never stop learning new things about your spouse.  Just last week I learned something new.

Years ago we moved into a new house.  Tina and I were setting things up in the kitchen when I heard a noise come from one of the bedrooms.  Being curious as to what it was I went back to check it out.  It was nothing more than a sound that came from the neighbor's air conditionor, but when I turned around there was Tina standing right behind me with a claw hammer.  I said, "What are you doing?"

My sweet young wife told me she was there to protect me.  I have to tell you, that made me feel really good and for the last seventeen years I have always felt like Tina was on my side. 

Now fast forward to last week.  Tina, Amanda and I are splashing around in the pool on a hot summer's day when I feel something hit my ear.  I reach up and start feeling around my head and ask Tina if she saw something.  She said she has seen a dragonfly buzzing around.  I turn my head and she screams and runs, splashes, swims and eventually leaps out of the pool.  I reach up to my ear and grab a small frog.  My response is a little different than Tina's.  I show the frog to Amanda and then toss it into the bushes.

Meanwhile, Tina is panting and pointing and telling me to check the rest of the pool for more frogs.

So what I discovered is this: if I am attacked by a frog I had better be able to defend myself because Tina will just let it eat me. 

Some things concern me

So last night I'm getting ready for bed and I look at myself in the mirror and I get concerned with what I see. I immediately go to Tina and ask what I think is a very important and serious question, "Do you think my head is still growing?"

At first I thought I had killed her. She sucked in so much air to laugh at me that she started to choke. When she gained control, she replied in a concerned toned, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

I said, "It just looks like my head is bigger than it was a couple of weeks ago."

She gave me the following reply. "You have a big head, but I don't think it is bigger than it was, but that is ok because you have a thick neck and your shoulders and arms are big too. If you had arms like your brother with your head you would look like a freak."

Then I said, "Well, it's just that I remember seeing Hamlet, and the scene where Hamlet holds Yorick's skull in his hand would be played out like this should they use mine.
Hamlet drags a skull on stage in a wagon, "Alas, poor John, I knew him well. And he had a really big head, kind of like Shrek."

This got me another, "what the hell is wrong with you?" and that was the end of that and we watched LOST.

Just to be safe, I went and got a haircut this morning.

X-man unmasked

We were at my parent's house for dinner the other night and Mom's dachshund, the world's smallest hell hound, was barking. The sound of that animal just shoots right through my skull like a barbed spear. Tina spotted the look on my face, the look that says, "I can end this." She quickly pointed out to everyone at the table that I was about to snap. She knew that would calm me down because she just knows me. She then went on about how high pitched rhythmic noises drive me nuts.

She told stories about me battling with ceiling fan chains in the middle of the night and her father tapping a coffee cup while I was driving. I threw the cup out the window.

Then she told the family about the biggest offender:our microwave. She told them how I turn it off with 1 second to spare. But in my defense it beeps 4 times in 10 seconds. Each beep is pain in audible form. I turn it off for the sake of my sanity.

Then she popped off, "He even wakes up before his alarm so he won't have to hear it."

So much for being an X-man.